Don’t Feed the Monster
Understanding negative self-talk and learning to quiet your inner voice
What is Self Talk?
We all have that little voice inside our head that chats away, it is often refereed to as Self Talk.
Self-talk isn’t always negative.
In fact, the way we talk to ourselves can be encouraging, supportive and even celebratory.
It can also serve a useful purpose, helping to keep us safe, reminding us to do things, preparing us for situations and alerting us when something might need our attention.
It might sound like,
“I can do this,” “I’m proud of myself,” “I handled that really well,”or“Don’t forget your keys!
This positive chatter can help us build confidence, recognise our achievements and keep going when something feels difficult, it can be a helpful guide.
The problem comes when our self talk becomes overcritical, judgemental or unkind. Instead of recognising what we have done well, we focus on our mistakes, shortcomings and perceived failures.
And this is where our monster comes in.
Think of the negative voice as a little monster that feeds on our attention.
The more we listen to it, believe it and repeat what it tells us, the bigger and louder it can become.
It might start with one small thought, but before long, that thought can influence how we feel, what we do and how we see ourselves.
And because this inner conversation happens so often, we may not even notice that we’re doing it
The aim isn’t to get rid of every negative thought, we all have them.
It’s about becoming more aware of which thoughts we’re giving our attention to, and learning not to continually feed the ones that bring us down.
So why do we talk to ourselves this way?
If negative self talk is so debilitating, then why do it?
There isn’t one single reason we engage in negative self-talk.
Often, it develops from a mixture of our experiences, habits, beliefs and the way our brain tries to protect us.
Consider these:
- Past experiences – criticism, rejection, bullying or difficult experiences can influence the way we learn to see ourselves.
- Learned behaviour – we may have picked up the way we speak to ourselves from parents, teachers, peers or other people around us.
- Trying to protect ourselves – sometimes our inner voice is attempting to prepare us for disappointment: “Don’t get your hopes up,” or “You’d better not get this wrong.”
- Perfectionism – when we set ourselves extremely high standards, mistakes can quickly become evidence that we aren’t good enough.
- Comparison – comparing ourselves with other people, particularly through social media, can make us focus on what we believe we’re lacking.
- Stress and anxiety – when we’re stressed, our thinking can become more negative and we’re more likely to notice potential problems or threats.
- Habit – negative self-talk can become a well-worn mental habit. The thought occurs so quickly and automatically that we don’t stop to question whether it is actually true.
What happens when we keep feeding it?
It must be noted that Monster isn’t the same thing as having a negative thought.
We all have those.
The Monster grows when we repeatedly feed, believe and give power to those thoughts.
How do we stop feeding it?
The first step is to notice it.
Negative self-talk can become so automatic that we don’t even realise we’re doing it. We might suddenly notice that we’ve been telling ourselves, “I’m useless,” “I’ll never manage this,” “I am not good enough” or “I’ve messed everything up” without ever stopping to question it.
Once we notice the thought, we can create a little space between having the thought and believing the thought.
You might then ask yourself:
- Is this actually true?
- What evidence do I have for this thought?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- Would I say this to a friend?
- Is there another way to look at this?
You may begin to recognise these unhelpful thinking patterns that keep the Monster fed – such as Catastrophising, Mind-reading (assuming that you know what someone else is thinking), all or nothing thinking, always focusing on what went wrong.
Choose what you would like to feed instead
Being a little kinder to ourselves.
This doesn’t mean forcing positive thoughts or pretending everything is fantastic, it means begin to develop a more realistic and supportive inner voice.
Instead of:
“I always get things wrong.”
You could say:
“I got this wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from it?”
As the negative thought pops into your head. Take a moment. Pause.
You don’t have to fight it, get rid of it or believe it.
You can simply notice it and decide:
“I’m not feeding that thought today.”
That’s when the Monster begins to loose it power.
This takes practice, because your automatic way of thinking may have been ingrained for years, but stick to it.
The new automatic thinking pattern will become a positive one.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer
